Recently I have slowly become more optimistic about my life and took it upon myself to reflect on the past few months; most of which have been filled with sadness and anger and confusion...but finally, I've reached a sense of hope. Therefore I've come upon this decision:

The Seven Stages of Grief
The Seven Stages of Heartbreak

1. Shock and denial
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

Related to my personal experience, I feel that this can sometimes be the shortest stage. When dealing with love and relationships and drama, shock is pretty common, but to me reality seems to set in more quickly than I expect it. Acceptance to what has actually happened seems to come easily to me, even though it still doesn't stop me for thinking that I wish it wasn't true.

2. Pain and guilt
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

Personally, this can sometimes be that hardest part for me to deal with. Overwhelming depression feels like your life is going to end and there is nothing to look forward to. During the mess of it all you just feel like everything is turning out to be against you but now that I look back on it, I can think of one quote that related perfectly to this stage. "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

3. Anger and bargaining
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

One of the most important stages in the process of heartbreak. Allowing yourself to be mad lets you get rid of all the mixed emotions you've held inside, and sometimes you just have the right to be mad. I let my anger separate myself from the situation and it gave me time to mull over my thoughts.

4. "Depression", reflection, loneliness
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

I feel that this stage is the most difficult to explain to others. You just don't want to be around anyone because it feels like no one in the world can understand how you're possibly feeling. I'm just saying that if you're in this stage, you're allowed to be lonely and at the world.

5. The upward turn
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. Reconstruction and working through
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. Acceptance and hope
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

Steps five, six, and seven seem to feel very similar to me because I still have yet to go through all of them. Although I have come to realize that my life won't be over and that there are better things to look forward to. Nevertheless, heartbreak and grief seem to go hand and hand with each of the stages; now that I know there is more to look forward to I can continue my life. Just because everyone has their good and bad days doesn't mean that there isn't more out there for me.

There has been some drama. Luke and I breaking up, stressing about memorizing music for marching band, school starting in a few days...the list could go on and on. But besides all of this that could bring me down I feel that I've somehow learned to see the better side of my experiences. This new school year will allow me to start with a fresh new perspective and I desperately hope that the chaos in my life will once again be manageable. So here's to new beginnings and a new school year. *clangs invisible champagne glass*